Why I'll Drop Everything for Some People and Dread Seeing Others

Why I'll Drop Everything for Some People and Dread Seeing Others

Over the past few years, I've been getting more conscious about the choices I make in different areas of my life.

I started paying attention to my sleep - actually prioritizing getting enough rest and creating better sleep habits. I became pickier about food, choosing less ultra-processed stuff because of how much better I felt. I drastically cut back on social media and got more intentional about what I watch, listen to, and read.

All of these changes made me feel so much better that I started noticing something else: spending time with different people affected how I felt too.

There are people I love spending time with - I feel energized and happy after being with them. There are people where it's fine, neutral - that was nice, but doesn't particularly lift me up or drain me. And then there are people where I just feel tired afterward.

I found myself naturally "unhermiting" for the people who made me feel good, while becoming pickier about events and gatherings that felt draining. Big festival concerts? Too overwhelming. Networking events full of small talk? Not worth the energy. But dinner with a few close friends? Absolutely.

The Pattern I Started Noticing

What really got me curious was noticing the difference in who I was willing to leave the house for. There are people who say "let's go do something" and I'm like yes, I don't even care what it is, absolutely. Comic-Con? Sure, I'll suffer the crowds. And then there are people I say yes to and then either don't want to when it comes time for it or actively dread it.

Here's what was really interesting though: with the people I like, it didn't even matter if they were struggling. If they were having something they were working through, my answer was still yes, absolutely - probably even more so. Which logically makes no sense, right? The invitation to do something fun should be more enticing than "I need to vent, are you available." But it wasn't.

The difference wasn't whether someone had problems. It was what they were doing with those problems.

The Victims vs. The Fighters

I've worked really hard to make sure I found ways to spin my past into learning experiences - "let's figure out how not to do that again" kind of things - rather than "oh woe is me, my life is so hard, pity me."

And I realized the people I've stopped hanging out with are the victims. The people who claim they want help but really just want me to justify their victimhood or pity them.

I love being of service and will totally go way overboard helping someone. But maybe it's cynicism, maybe it's just being burned so many times, maybe it's actually learning some boundaries - I'll go with that one - if someone asks for help and it's something I can offer, I will. But if after that first time they don't do anything with it, I don't help again. Well, okay, maybe I'll help two or three times total, but after that? Naw, dude, you can wallow on your own energy.

Why This Actually Matters (The Science Part)

So I went down a rabbit hole on this because I wanted to know if I was just being judgmental or if there was something real here.

Turns out there's actual research backing this up:

• If you sit next to a high performer at work, your own performance increases by 15%. But if you sit next to a downer? Your performance drops significantly.

• If your friends struggle with their weight, you're 57% more likely to gain weight yourself

• Emotions are contagious - being around happy people measurably increases your own happiness levels

• Even financial habits spread through friend groups

There was a study by Will Felps about "bad apples" in teams where they planted different types of people in work groups - a downer, a neutral person, and a supporter. It didn't matter what the makeup of the rest of the group was - if you had a downer, those groups invariably did worse and their performance was poorer. The negative person had way more influence on the group than the positive person did. A "hey you got this" person has less influence than a Debbie Downer.

I was listening to divorce attorney James Sexton on a podcast, and he mentioned that if someone in your friend group gets divorced, you become significantly more likely to get divorced too. The relationship patterns of people around you literally influence your own relationship outcomes.

Voice coach and magician Vinh Giang talks about how after learning that you become like the five people you spend the most time with, he made a conscious decision to actively seek out someone who embodied qualities he wanted to develop in himself.

What I Realized About My Energy

My energy is actually valuable. I don't have to just give it away willy nilly. My time and my energy are important, and because they do have value - something I didn't understand before - I'm more protective of them now.

It takes a fair amount of energy for me to just surface-level small talk, and I hate it. If you want to go deep on something, I'm down. If you want to explore something cool, I'm down. Let's go. But if you just want to wallow in your self-pity or if you just want me to feed your negative narrative? Absolutely not.

I struggle with making sure I'm not doing those things myself. I don't need to reinforce those patterns by helping someone else do it with theirs. Especially if who we hang out with affects us that much.

I want positive energy. I want to be doing things, not basking in my past failures or my past negative stories. It's the stories we tell ourselves that really drive us.

I want people who are looking to make the world - even if it's just their own world - better. Actually, really, it is only their own world that they have control over, so it would be that. Not the Karens who want to tell everybody else what to do when they can't even manage their own life.

Where I Landed

You become like the people you spend the most time with. If that's true - and the research says it is - then being intentional about who I spend time with matters just as much as being intentional about what I eat, how I sleep, or what media I consume.

My energy has value. And I get to choose where I spend it.